[S3E11] Monogamy HOT!
Chris discusses consensual non-monogamy and how open relationships differ from polyamory. We talk about the necessity of communication and boundaries while navigating jealousy and other things that come with non-traditional relationships.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The database podcast is hosted by me. I'm a a former dating coach. In new york. Turned activator in san francisco on each episode. you'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer craft chick and other surprise. Co co-hosts this episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. We have a guest host in the house. His name is harvey. And i just have to give you guys. A little background on harvey harvey net during beta breakers. But we re met again later for our onesie party where harvey was came in a full bear costume and he was one of the contestants on the dating game which was such a success and that's when he announced to the world he has declared dating bankruptcy which means he's not dating at all so i figured if you're not dating then let's just talk about dating right. Perfect co host for us harvey. Do you have anything else you wanna say about you. That is interesting. Speaking of cool guests in the house with chris here. Hey chris hey how's it going. He's got his sunglasses. I'm guessing he was partying a little too hard last night. I wish i was. I was working unfortunately but Yeah so. I've been working on a pretty cool project. Recently launched a site called intrigue me a place where people can share fantasies to get inspiration to spice up their own relationships or to meet somebody to fulfil a fantasy. They've always wanted to have but there is something else we want to talk about two. We discussed absolutely start. I've been involved in non traditional relationships since college. So non monogamous no monogamous say poly-amorous. There's a sort of a bright line between those different sort of groups. But i i've been practicing and practicing is is an active word practicing monogamy for a number of years. Now yes but not poly-amorous correct you always be somewhat careful about talking about. This is something people have very very strong beliefs. The line between someone who says they're into nominal gimme versus. Someone who says amazon in my mind poly-amorous person has a deep desire to be with two or more people have serious emotional and physical connection perhaps living with them perhaps not over a long period of time but seeking meaningful relationships. Outside of two person partnership correct. So they wanna be with they wanna be with somebody they want to be with at least two or more people in a very serious way non monogamy and more broader umbrella term. The there's a less of a focus on building relationships with with a number of people as opposed to just sort of maybe more like openly going with the flow. And you're saying you've never engaged in poly-amorous relationship. I know i have dated in a serious way more than one person at the same time and do they know about each other. Yes and that's the whole point of having these non traditional relationships everyone's aware of the other part absolutely. Yeah yeah not. I think communication is the most important thing in any relationship regardless if you're monogamous if you're just hooking up with people you know not dating like you're sort of like playing the field or whatever you want to say oreo your exclusively married to somebody or you're you're in some sort of multi polly quad or something like that right.
So communication is arguably the most important thing and the the advantage that i believe that namananga me has puts a very high value on open candid communication about what you want what you don't want what you're afraid of and what you're curious about establishing boundaries and you see like have friends who are this couple who've been together forever and everybody knows that they shouldn't be together and everyone's like how are they still together and they're like you know they sort of are within the confines of this relationship they seek sort of a security but they may not be talking about the thing that they need to be talking about and the reality is that nominee. Jimmy can be really confronting seeing your partner of flirting with making out or hooking up with Somebody else can be very very emotionally challenging. And so it forces these sort of hard conversations and people who practice and i practice very seriously because it's sort of learning thing you're forced to sort of go through this and learn more about yourself and what you want a partner and what you're cool with and sometimes you'll find that things that you believe are going to bother you because society tells you you need to be. You need to be jealous or if you see something. You are somehow inadequate if the girl you're with his flirting with some other guy that somehow it's taking away from you it's like is Might not really matter. Maybe something that you've read in stories or whatever then it it's really ingrained in you but the reality is if you if you sort of experience this and sort of contemplated and see how it affects you. You realize it's like not really a thing and it's not really the thing that bothers you and that's one of the one of i don't like i don't believe that non monogamy is for everyone but i believe that a lot of the lessons and of the ideas within it are useful no matter if you're very happily monogamous with somebody to like to read books like opening up sex at dawn the sperm wars. Any of these books are very much about You know sex monogamy nominee excetera and they can be very useful tools and the ideas within the move very useful for maintaining your monogamous relationship or exploring anonymous. One get jealous anymore. Ooh that's a really interesting question. Sometimes i can get jealous and the reason why sort of an interesting question is like jealousy has strong negative connotation right like if someone who gets jealous can all picture that guy or that girl who was enraged jealous right and they're just pissed off because they found that their partner may flirt with somebody or cheated on them or whatever just like this sort of like green is in fire and the competition that most most western people think about chelsea but i often tell people who are like sort of like dipping. Their toes in the water is to think about so like laughter right to laughter can be positive or negative. You laugh with somebody in a happy way or you can laugh in a negative and demeaning a mocking way and a lot of it has to do with the tonality and how you've approached the moment in your frame of reference right and so there's one i think that a lot of people sort of sat in jealousy like experience the emotion as opposed to just like having the media reaction. They think they're supposed to have. They would realize that jealousy can actually be really hot The right amount of jealousy can fuel passionate relationships relationships generally die when you're not having sex when you're sitting on the couch when you're getting fat together right like everyone. Has that sort of like that. Like that. Getting into the thirties forties and older mentality or that fear And when someone who's jealous that means that they care and you want to be jealous screaming at each other all the time. That's that's not. that's not constructive way of having a relationship. But there's there's a better way of thinking about being jealous. That i think a lot of people don't approach you know into Intricacies of jor boundaries. Sure like what are your boundaries are typical boundaries that you see for other people and when they're broken you see jealousy so the the the one that i always see a sort of a red flag in my opinion is when you see people who are so interested in non nominee of some form and they have a don't ask.
Don't tell kind of policy. They if i encountered someone like that at a borrowed a play party or some sort of I very quickly put on the brakes and take a step back and the reason is because usually when people have that sort of policy because they don't have the the willingness or the tool set to sort of approach these challenging questions and like really have candid conversation about what they do or don't want what they can and can't have but you see it all the time it's very common and that's not to say that like if you're if you're with somebody and you're like in your open and you got on a date or your partner goes on the date they should think should tell you every gory detail about the entire night. Some people are into that. Some people aren't but when you see people who are sort of closed off and say like you don't ask don't tell it's basically the same thing as ethical nominee so you like a relationship sherpa to take someone from monogamy over to i. I have to sure so yeah. I've done it absolutely some of my partners. It was definitely their first time in like what would be considered like a real nominal arguments like an an open ethical non monogamous relationship. And like with. I'm i'm very much a part of. Actually i started my project about Intrigued me about sharing fantasies. I really care about and like creating experiences for people and letting people explore things. And that's like what i'm interested in doing. So it might be specific fantasy or specific act but just like the general overall concept of like opening doors for people to see them achieve their yes. Exactly it's very very very very very very very mad. I know but it's true. Like yeah i mean but that who sherpa do you into non monogamous. That was that was a long and rocky road. no i said i've been involved in in various forms of nominal. Gimme for probably the last eight or nine years some of it. Was you know roy. A classic sort of gateway a lot of people get into it through a long distance relationship right. So you're like you're with somebody who really care about but we were on either side of the country and so we're like yeah sure it's okay to see somebody else. I don't believe that if my partner with somebody else at diminishes me because you're a very secure. I actually think. I think i'm actually a very average guy. I think All respects. i'm about average height about average attractiveness of link average beard length. I'm no. I'm no brad pitt and i you know there's sort of this idea that if you're involved in these sort of crazy parties or your with lots of women or whatever that you have to be like brad pitt or something and i think that's not at all not especially in san francisco. I'm so curious weird this come from. What are your parents. Like what their relationship like. Oh that's very interesting They're never gonna get to your dating story. We'll they'll have to have me back if you want to hear this story so actually come from a fairly Conservative family From a small town on the on the on the east coast And i think i had like a classic upbringing And then i went to a tech school and came out to san francisco. A pretty classic. Sort of story arc I think like. I always had a strong interest in psychology and connection and people. I think that's what sort of getting me reading about. Like nominee me and other forms of relationships and i had a series of of regular relationships. And i've had within the last two years i've had Monogamous relationships and open relationship and so forth and just always like interested in trying different experiences and seeing wheel relationships be nontraditional. Dan you started reading in on. It became a way of life or were you reading. I meeting i. I think at a younger age like sometime in my teenage years. I got Is reading a lot of fantasy and that those sort of stories like touch on a lot of the stuff. Until i got interested in it. Do you remember the first book that sparked your. And i have no. No i read online all ethical slows a classical an But i i. I don't remember what the first one it was like harry potter lou. How old are you. I'm twenty nine. How many times have you been in. Love dots are really hard question. And have you been in love two people at once. 041b061a72